I haven't been around much the past year and a half since I went back to work. It wasn't because I didn't want to. Things were just TOO busy! Sigh. I often planned to write a post but they just didn't happen.
I have learned some things as a working mother.
I love having an office
I love having regular adult conversations
I feel appreciated and valued at my job
My tasks can actually be completed and checked off my list
I appreciate that going to work gets me up in the morning and dressed by 8am
I feel more active and energetic when I work
I love my time away from my children. They get to socialize and learn from other children and I get to build up my level of patience for when I return.
I don't like that all of my 'fun' time is now taken up with working.
I don't have time anymore for playdates with friends.
I don't have time to craft and be creative and I don't have time to do activities with/teach my children.
My days all seem to be getting ready and dropping the kids off at different places, picking them up, running important errands (like groceries) and cooking/cleaning. There is no fun time.
I had a difficult time being home for 3 years straight with two very young and demanding children. I was screaming inside to get away from them. I often wished I had never had children and felt cheated by all the stay at homes mom's I knew (prior to getting married) that made it look so enjoyable and rewarding. I felt like no one was honest about how difficult and constant, exhausting and smothering it was to be a 'full-time mother'. My life was spent in forced selflessness and my heart screamed to be selfish.
I had never planned to be a working mother. As I child I admitted very early on that all I wanted to do was be a mom. I was so excited to stay home and play with my children. To teach them and create montessori type learning experiences. After I graduated from high school I went into Early Childhood Development with the same plan in mind. I graduated but did not like being in daycares. I thought they were sad. It broke my heart to see so many children in one room without their mothers. I still planned to stay at home. I continued on into Education, graduated with a degree, met Ian and married the next year. Two years later we had our first daughter. My plans were still unchanged and I did stay home and I HATED it! I felt so trapped, overwhelmed and smothered. I felt like I was suffocating.
Do other mothers feel this way? Do they hate staying home with their children?
Perhaps it was because I already had a career and was working as a Teacher; or because I was almost 27 when my daughter was born and I was 'used to' a different life; or perhaps it was just anxiety. I don't even know if the reason matters BUT
My girls are older now (4 and 2.5). They are less demanding and more independant. I don't often feel overwhelmed anymore. I am missing our 'together time' and working is 'getting old'. I have been feeling since June that I want to stay home again. We want to add to our family but I am worried I will feel the same way as I did before I went back to work. I don't want to hate being home. I don't want to resent my children. I don't want to sit around in my pj's for half the day wishing I was somewhere else. I want to experience life through their eyes.
It will be hard to say goodbye to my job :(
Why am I so torn???????
