Peek a boo!

Where have you been?  I have been hiding forever waiting for you to come find me ;)

I haven't been around much the past year and a half since I went back to work.  It wasn't because I didn't want to.  Things were just TOO busy!  Sigh.  I often planned to write a post but they just didn't happen.

I have learned some things as a working mother. 

I love having an office
I love having regular adult conversations
I feel appreciated and valued at my job
My tasks can actually be completed and checked off my list
I appreciate that going to work gets me up in the morning and dressed by 8am
I feel more active and energetic when I work
I love my time away from my children.  They get to socialize and learn from other children and I get to build up my level of patience for when I return.

I don't like that all of my 'fun' time is now taken up with working. 
I don't have time anymore for playdates with friends. 
I don't have time to craft and be creative and I don't have time to do activities with/teach my children.

My days all seem to be getting ready and dropping the kids off at different places, picking them up, running important errands (like groceries) and cooking/cleaning.  There is no fun time.

I had a difficult time being home for 3 years straight with two very young and demanding children.  I was screaming inside to get away from them.  I often wished I had never had children and felt cheated by all the stay at homes mom's I knew (prior to getting married) that made it look so enjoyable and rewarding.  I felt like no one was honest about how difficult and constant, exhausting and smothering it was to be a 'full-time mother'.  My life was spent in forced selflessness and my heart screamed to be selfish.

I had never planned to be a working mother.  As I child I admitted very early on that all I wanted to do was be a mom.  I was so excited to stay home and play with my children.  To teach them and create montessori type learning experiences.  After I graduated from high school I went into Early Childhood Development with the same plan in mind.  I graduated but did not like being in daycares.  I thought they were sad.  It broke my heart to see so many children in one room without their mothers.  I still planned to stay at home.  I continued on into Education, graduated with a degree, met Ian and married the next year.  Two years later we had our first daughter.  My plans were still unchanged and I did stay home and I HATED it!  I felt so trapped, overwhelmed and smothered.  I felt like I was suffocating.

Do other mothers feel this way?  Do they hate staying home with their children? 

Perhaps it was because I already had a career and was working as a Teacher; or because I was almost 27 when my daughter was born and I was 'used to' a different life; or perhaps it was just anxiety.  I don't even know if the reason matters BUT

My girls are older now (4 and 2.5).  They are less demanding and more independant.  I don't often feel overwhelmed anymore.  I am missing our 'together time' and working is 'getting old'.  I have been feeling since June that I want to stay home again.  We want to add to our family but I am worried I will feel the same way as I did before I went back to work.  I don't want to hate being home.  I don't want to resent my children.   I don't want to sit around in my pj's for half the day wishing I was somewhere else.  I want to experience life through their eyes.

It will be hard to say goodbye to my job :(

Why am I so torn???????

Update!

Yes, I am trying to catch-up on my non-existant blogging.  I have news...

NO, not pregnant.

I went back to work in June.  Not substitute teaching (as tempting as it sounded I didn't want to trade my 2 children in for 30).  I needed to get out of the house and have adult interaction.  Not adult interaction where I take my kids on playdates, but actual *no kids* adult interaction.  It has been AWESOME!

I had a lot of guilt with feeling like I was 'supposed' to stay home with my kids because I didn't 'need' to work.  I always assumed I would stay home with my kids and thought it would be great.  Turns out it isn't for me (the staying home ALL THE TIME part).  I need to feel like my skills are valued (and of course they are as a SAHM) but I wasn't 'feeling' it.  I felt like I would be happier and more patient if I had some away time each week and a perfect job came up. 

I am working at Meridian Surveys (yes where Ian works) doing filing and scanning.  It is a totally simple/mundane type of work but I love it.  I go in 12 hours a week and it is super flexible so my great babysitter and I figure out what works best for our schedules.  We have been doing 2 six hour days a week or 3 four hour afternoons a week.  I have been happier and more patient so I think it is a success!!!!  The job is temporary as I am converting paper files into digital copies so once the work is done, my job is done.  I am hoping it lasts till next spring at least and then some 'baby' talk might ensue!

I'm excited to wake up and go to work and the weeks pass quite quickly now.  The girls are doing great at the sitters and Hailey never wants to come home.  When I come to pick them up she always cries and says "I don't want you".  Yes, it stings.... but I get over because sometimes I feel that way about her.

There are draw backs.... the main one being the income... after taking out child care fees it really isn't 'worth' it for me to work.... except that it isn't about the money.

It's about the SANITY!!!!!