Peek a boo!

Where have you been?  I have been hiding forever waiting for you to come find me ;)

I haven't been around much the past year and a half since I went back to work.  It wasn't because I didn't want to.  Things were just TOO busy!  Sigh.  I often planned to write a post but they just didn't happen.

I have learned some things as a working mother. 

I love having an office
I love having regular adult conversations
I feel appreciated and valued at my job
My tasks can actually be completed and checked off my list
I appreciate that going to work gets me up in the morning and dressed by 8am
I feel more active and energetic when I work
I love my time away from my children.  They get to socialize and learn from other children and I get to build up my level of patience for when I return.

I don't like that all of my 'fun' time is now taken up with working. 
I don't have time anymore for playdates with friends. 
I don't have time to craft and be creative and I don't have time to do activities with/teach my children.

My days all seem to be getting ready and dropping the kids off at different places, picking them up, running important errands (like groceries) and cooking/cleaning.  There is no fun time.

I had a difficult time being home for 3 years straight with two very young and demanding children.  I was screaming inside to get away from them.  I often wished I had never had children and felt cheated by all the stay at homes mom's I knew (prior to getting married) that made it look so enjoyable and rewarding.  I felt like no one was honest about how difficult and constant, exhausting and smothering it was to be a 'full-time mother'.  My life was spent in forced selflessness and my heart screamed to be selfish.

I had never planned to be a working mother.  As I child I admitted very early on that all I wanted to do was be a mom.  I was so excited to stay home and play with my children.  To teach them and create montessori type learning experiences.  After I graduated from high school I went into Early Childhood Development with the same plan in mind.  I graduated but did not like being in daycares.  I thought they were sad.  It broke my heart to see so many children in one room without their mothers.  I still planned to stay at home.  I continued on into Education, graduated with a degree, met Ian and married the next year.  Two years later we had our first daughter.  My plans were still unchanged and I did stay home and I HATED it!  I felt so trapped, overwhelmed and smothered.  I felt like I was suffocating.

Do other mothers feel this way?  Do they hate staying home with their children? 

Perhaps it was because I already had a career and was working as a Teacher; or because I was almost 27 when my daughter was born and I was 'used to' a different life; or perhaps it was just anxiety.  I don't even know if the reason matters BUT

My girls are older now (4 and 2.5).  They are less demanding and more independant.  I don't often feel overwhelmed anymore.  I am missing our 'together time' and working is 'getting old'.  I have been feeling since June that I want to stay home again.  We want to add to our family but I am worried I will feel the same way as I did before I went back to work.  I don't want to hate being home.  I don't want to resent my children.   I don't want to sit around in my pj's for half the day wishing I was somewhere else.  I want to experience life through their eyes.

It will be hard to say goodbye to my job :(

Why am I so torn???????

Wish you were here!!!

What a day! 27.5 degrees Celsius. I'm sure glad I didn't work this afternoon. I feel so ALIVE! It is amazing what sun and warm temperatures can do.

I'm sitting here relaxing under the umbrella wishing Ian was home with us and that my sister could bring the kids over for a play date. That would really make this moment perfect.

Will it EVER END?!?!?!?!

You may be thinking from the title that I am speaking about Spring.... I'm not, though that can't come soon enough.

I'm refering to the CONSTANT illness that has plagued our home since the snow fell last year.  It has been a good 6 months of never ending colds mixed in with 3 rounds of the stomach flu!!!  Seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON?  I'm going to step out on a limb and say THIS IS THE WORST WINTER EVER!!!!!

Okay, the excessive drama is over... but really, why are my kids sick all the time?  I know the obvious culprits are the fact that I take them to childcare and group play places for children on a regular basis.  Also, I'm sure the lack of outside time plays a big role, but with the weather so cold and now the snow being higher than their heads, there aren't a lot of outside options.

If I knew I wouldn't loose my mind within a week I would quit working, stay home and never let my kids near other children.  Then they would be healthy.  But that isn't going to happen.

I am really hoping that when spring does finally come and we get outside to play that the illness will be over and maybe we can have 4 months of health before the snow flies again.

How depressing!

My nieces and nephew

I'm here in beautiful Switzerland.... seriously beautiful!  The weather is an amazing 10 degrees outside and I have been having a great time playing with the twins, cuddling my nephew and chatting with my sister (and brother-in-law).

It wasn't the greatest trip... with delays from Edmonton that made me miss my connection in Toronto, which meant an extra flight to London and then to Zurich!  It was a LONG day (literally 24 hrs).  With all the discomforts of flying long distances I was still grateful that I hadn't had to bring my small children along with me (phew).  While in the Toronto airport I met a woman alone with a 10 month old son.  She was flying home to Australia (which meant a 12 hr flight and another 10 hr flight)  UHG!  I hope her flight was as short as it possibly could be.... I can't imagine holding a mobile infant for that long in a confined space!  She is amazing!

I am here now, trying to adjust to the large time difference (actually writing this at 11 pm without a hint of tiredness).

here are some pictures of Switzerland and my sweet Sister's kids...

 (au de Swiss)

 Hello Alps!  This makes me want to sing "Edelweiss" and "The Hills are Alive" (yes I know the sound of music was in Austria)

 The wild one

 Little man

The less wild one

I miss my girls and their snuggles and Ian has been a superstar with both girls getting the flu just days after I left.  I definitely owe him for this one!!!!!  He is already talking about 'his trip' to Madagascar!

They are mine...

and I love them!

Busy before?

I am wondering what I spent all my time doing before Quinn was born?  I know I thought I was really busy and didn't have time to get things done... but now I REALLY don't have time.  This summer is going to be a real test of time management.  I will master going out with 2 children.  I will get my butt back to the gym.  I will have a  clean house and cooked dinner.  Some days at least ;)  I love my girls but am struggling not to lose my mind.  By the end of the week I am really not a nice Mommy.... especially with the lack of sleep.

Hailey has started to act out.  I guess she is not happy with the lack of attention she is getting.  I am surprised it took this long to really show itself.  I am working to remember to take special moments with her and give her attention while Quinn is napping.  Her tantrums and freak outs decrease dramatically when she receives this attention so I better keep it going so I don't go crazy.

Ian came home Friday night to a VERY crazy wife.  I almost ran out the door saying "I just had to get away".  You know that feeling where your heart is pounding and you are about to break down in tears in a complete melt down?  That is what I had.  I escaped just in time (thanks to my super husband).  It was wonderful to drive a quiet van with no children demanding my attention - or repeating phrases over and over AND OVER.  Is that normal for toddlers?  Hailey will say the same sentence repeatedly, even after I have acknowledged and answered her.  Make me CRAZY!  Well I enjoyed my brief escape as I picked up a couple items at the store, filled the van with gas and picked up a booster juice for myself and my family.  It was probably only a hour but I was able to come back calm and prepared to face bedtime... and what ended up being a bad night with Quinn.

I am so grateful for Ian!  He knows when I need help and does whatever he can to make things easier for me.  I am a truly blessed wife!  I am also super grateful for my daughters.  This young age isn't my favourite time but it is a precious time that I know I will miss as they become more independant.