How long is the Lord's timetable? Is it set in blocks that are months long? Is there recess and lunch? Will 'class' EVER end?
I feel like I am sitting in some University class, that may be interesting, but has no 'end time'. It's like I'm sitting there taking notes and listening to the instructor who just keeps talking and talking... never looking at the clock, never running out of things to say... the students are all sitting awkwardly in their seats wondering if they should suggest that the teacher dismiss or if they should just walk out and hope that they don't miss anything important..... hmmm, can I even leave? I wonder if the door is locked? Maybe not the back door, but the front door is definitely barred and guarded. You can't get out that way until the instructor gives the go-ahead. Who wants to go back though? No one wants to return to high school (okay maybe some of you crazy people want to... I wouldn't wish that on anyone).
I hate being prevented from doing something. I am a stubborn person.... I know what I want and what I don't want. Why waste time in the 'present moment' when there are things to be done. It isn't that I don't like where I am... I love my husband and am so blessed with everything that we have here together in Lloydminster. I just feel like I am being sooooo lazy (even though I really am working my butt off). It just all comes down to my LIST...
I am definately a list person... and I go through each day, week and year of my life checking things off my list. I find it very satisfying to throw a list in the garbage knowing I have completed everything on it. Looking back at a very generalized 'life list'; I completed elementary school, got baptized, finished junior high and seminary, completed high school, moved out, got a college diploma, recieved my endowments, completed a university degree, finished institute, started teaching, got married.... now what... of course, have children.... oh but wait... some of us can't make this happen no matter how hard we try.
I don't like this current feeling of being stagnant. My pool of water is growing bacteria and starting to look and smell gross... ew, who wants to climb a mountain to see a view of smelly, green scuz along the valley floor? I don't know if this post makes any sense to anyone (even me). I just feel frustrated with where I am NOT going.
4 comments:
Hang in there friend...some times life throws you the pits and you just wish you could throw them at some one else!
Oh I totally understand! We are trying to get pregnant as well and it isn't happening. It takes SO long to get appointment, tests, procedures, etc.
But, I have to keep reminding myself to enjoy what I have now and to try to fully understand that the Lord sees the whole picture and that it probably is good for me that I don't.
It is crappy, it really is, but I am trying to have the faith that things will work out.
Just remember that after a crappy day it has to be getting better after that right?!! (just keep telling yourself that)
email me: lawlor_m@yahoo.com
*huge hugs*
I love you Jen! I know the frustrations you speak of. I think the Lord is trying to teach us 'impatient' ones PATIENCE and that's very frustrating. You are amazing and have been so successful in so many things! Thanks for your post. I thought I was the only one frustrated. xoxo
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